X Marks the Spot!
by DoraCatBuu
Summary: Near takes his SPK members on vacation, which ends up being on a boat Mello conned him into. After realizing how bad this vacation is, Giovanni and Rester end up drunk. And from there, they capture Mello, fight Kira, and end up sinking their ship!


DISCLAIMER: I don't own Death Note. Ohba and Obata do, and they wish they had drawn Near as a sea-farer. I'm pretty sure he'd just drown, though.

No one knew what to expect when Near suddenly announced that the SPK was taking a mandatory week of vacation. No one really knew what to expect when Near did half of what he did. But, of everything they did expect, no one expected _this_. When Near said 'vacation,' each of his members all had an idea of how they'd spend their vacation. Lidner had thought of heading to Las Vegas, or at least heading out of New York. Giovanni had wanted to visit his grandmother up in Queens. Rester just wanted a day where he didn't watch Near. But none of them got what they wanted. When Near said 'vacation,' someone should've questioned his definition of the word, because when he called them the next day to meet him at their vacationing site, all three of them were shocked to find they were meeting him at an old pier just off of the main road. And what shocked them more was that he was standing in front of a boat. And not even a good one, either. This boat was old, and it smelled like dead fish. Giovanni was the first to get out of the car.

"Just what the hell is this?" he asked, looking at the boat with a mixture of disgust and disbelief, "Tell me you just called us here and this is a prank." Unfortunately, he knew Near was above pranks. He was already getting a bad feeling. Near just walked to the boat, patting its side. Giovanni swore a piece of wood broke off and splashed into the water.

"I do not prank," the boy replied seriously, and looked back at them, "I bought a boat."

"Um... that's good, sir, but why bring us _here_?" Rester asked, raising an interested brow, "You could've told us over the phone." Near turned to face the three of them fully, and the look on his face went flat. Obviously, he thought they were just being idiots.

"One cannot go out on a boat via a phone call," Near pointed out in what appeared to be annoyance. Now Giovanni's mouth dropped. Did Near just say _go out on a boat_? As in, that horrible piece of crap!? It looked ready to fall apart right then and there! This had to be a joke!

"You have to be kidding me!" Giovanni blurted out, throwing his arms up, "Are you seriously suggesting we take a _boat ride_ as a vacation!? On _that thing!?_ Please, Near, tell me this is a joke!" But it wasn't. Near, as he knew, _wasn't_ a joker. If this was one, Mello would've had something to do with it, and Mello wasn't even there. Near's look went flat again. To him, he was doing them all a favor by being generous and taking them out of work for the week. He even bought a boat for them to go sailing in. What didn't they like about that?

"I have already said this isn't a prank," came the annoyed reply as Near twisted a lock of his hair, "We are going to sail on the ocean for a week. I have read that it's an ideal vacationing activity." Giovanni's eye twitched, wanting to know just _where_ Near had read this. His immediate thought was that Near logged onto Vikipedia and looked it up, or at least went to MoogleAnswers when that didn't work. A boat ride? That was the best both sites gave him? This was, in Giovanni's mind, going to be the worst vacation in his life. Even worse than when his father punched Mickey Mouse when they went to DisneyWorld, so many years ago. He shook his head, and looked at Lidner.

"I'm getting out of here and going back home!" he declared, but as he spun to leave, Near stopped him again. Not physically, of course, but with _Near's_ biggest strength. His _logic_.

"Do it and you'll be going against my rules," Near said calmly, "This is a mandatory vacation and if you leave, I will have no choice but to fire you." Giovanni cursed. As much as he hated stalking Mikami Teru, he liked getting paid. And he knew Near was being serious. He sighed, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Damn kid was just too smart sometimes.

"Stupid boat..." Giovanni grumbled, "Just how the hell did you _buy_ it, anyway!? Who in their right mind would sell you a boat!?" Near smiled weakly and pointed to a stall that was currently empty. Giovanni squinted. Did this mean Near stole the boat? When he asked that, a harsh laugh from _behind_ the stall sounded, and to Giovanni's ultimate dismay, Mello and Matt walked out. Mello, as usual, was smiling confidently, as though all were right in the world. All because he happened to be _in_ that world. He strolled along the dock, his smile growing smug when he saw just how miserable Near's team of ill-bred idiots were.

"I have a friend who sold him the boat," Mello replied casually, as if everyone in the world had access to boats every day, "She sold it to him real cheap, too. And it might or might not be seaworthy. If you ask me, thirty bucks for a boat is a good deal. Right, Matt?" He turned to face the red-head, who looked up momentarily from his DS. His face paled a little bit. Obviously, he wasn't going to keep as straight a face as Mello would.

"Depends if the boat sinks or... OUCH!" Matt yelled, when Mello smacked him over the head, "YES! Yes, it was a marvelous deal! There was nothing suspicious about it at all!" Unfortunately, that just made the three members of the SPK even more suspicious than before. They all exchanged worried glances, wondering if they should take either man seriously. Mello sensed this, and he laughed nervously, shaking his head.

"Seriously, this is one hundred percent safe! Would I actually let Near buy a boat if I thought for a second he'd _drown_?" Mello asked them, looking almost hurt at the fact that they didn't even believe him. Not one of them were fooled. Lidner's eyes narrowed flatly as she regarded the blonde.

"Yes, you would," she replied. Matt just snorted, until Mello stomped on his foot and sent him a glare that wasn't unlike a death threat. Matt gulped, and kept silent as Mello turned back to the three SPK members.

"Look, does it matter what I _might_ or _might not_ do?" he asked, a very cheesy grin spreading across his face, "The point is, we have our boat and we're ready to vacation. So let's get going and slay Leviathan already! What do you all say, eh? Buddies?" Lidner and Rester exchanged glances again, and Giovanni just stared as though Mello miraculously grew seven heads. To even assume they were friends when he _murdered_ all of their past members really took a lot of nerve. Then again, this was _Mello_. For all they knew, he was plotting to kill Near right then and there. He just wasn't stupid enough to go along with it right then and there. Rester just took a deep breath.

"Well, we do have a boat and we _won't_ technically be working," the commander reasoned with a shrug, "I say we set sail."

"Ahoy," Lidner said flatly, not nearly as enthusiastic about trusting Mello. Near simply led them up the rickety ramp and onto the boat deck; Mello and Matt climbed up the side instead, for reasons neither Rester nor Lidner understood. But as the three SPK members followed their boss, Giovanni couldn't help but glance back at the sign over the stall. Something about it just didn't look right. Perhaps it was the fact that half the words had been crossed out and scribbled on again, or perhaps it was the 'Sith's Reliable Boating Stall' that tipped Giovanni off. He didn't know who Sith was, but he definitely didn't trust any part of her stall. And when the sign finally creaked and half of it fell off, revealing a small piece of print that read 'might or might not be a reliable stall,' Giovanni's eyes just widened in horror. Near was most likely just scammed out of thirty dollars, and while the money was a pitiful amount, this was their _lives_ they were risking! All for a crappy vacation! Giovanni couldn't allow that. He ran up the ramp, nearly pushing Rester overboard as he went to stop Near.

"Wait a second! Near, I don't think we should do this!" Giovanni cried, and Near turned, giving Giovanni that annoyed expression he always seemed to wear.

"Giovanni, you seem to forget that I am your boss, and that I succeed L. If I believe this is worth it, then this trip is worth everything," the boy said blankly, and Giovanni saw Mello snickering behind him, "Need I remind you that I paid for this boat with L's money? Surely you would not insult L by refusing his new boat, correct?" Giovanni's eye twitched and he opened his mouth to speak. Yet the words wouldn't even come out. Near was seriously going to trust Mello's friend without even so much as a request for her credentials. Not that Mello would've given them, but even Giovanni knew this was a horribly unsafe vessel. Why weren't Rester or Lidner doing anything!? Giovanni threw his arms up in frustration.

"The sign over the stall just _fell off_ and you don't even notice it!" he cried in exasperation, "Near, you've been _scammed!_ Aren't you the least bit concerned that Mello might've just sentenced us all to _death!?_" Near blinked slowly, truly flabbergasted at how stubborn Giovanni was being. In his mind, he was being the most generous boss those three would ever have. He looked up at Mello, who immediately stopped laughing and gave the most angelic smile he could muster. Then Near turned back to Giovanni.

"Mello would never do that. He would also be killing himself, since he's coming with us."

"_WHAT!?_" Giovanni's mouth dropped, and now Mello just fell to the floor in hysterics, "Are you _crazy!?_ You're going to let that mass-murdering _psychopath_ stay with us _for a week!?_ Near, he's going to shoot us all in our sleep!" Mello snorted as he slowly, so slowly stood up, trying not to double over in laughter again. As if Near would've believed that. And he certainly didn't. Near's look went flat again. Obviously, he didn't hold the highest concerns over Mello like the rest of his members did. Obviously, he was an idiot.

"Mello cannot drive a boat, Giovanni," Near stated, as if that was a perfectly logical reason to trust the blonde, "And from my understanding, anything Matt touches just goes up in flames. Trust me, neither of them will kill us, so stop worrying." Giovanni wanted to strangle Near and tell him he was being ridiculous, but the only thing stopping him was the furious glare Matt was shooting at Mello. Perhaps those two would be too busy tormenting each other to torment everyone else... still, no! Giovanni did _not_ want to travel _anywhere_ with Mello. He shook his head. It didn't matter how much this vacation mattered to Near. Their relative well-being really should've mattered more.

"I can't believe I actually have to go along with this," Giovanni groaned miserably, and slumped into the closest chair, "Halle, I know we're friends and all, but feel free to shoot me right now. I won't get mad." But Lidner wasn't about to fulfill that request. She simply gave a short laugh and patted Giovanni on his back. And though she didn't say it, he got her message loud and clear: if _she_ was going to have to suffer through this, she'd make _him_ go through it, too. That was just how they rolled. Sometimes, it sucked to have Lidner for a partner.

Giovanni didn't like being right. In fact, he'd have loved to be absolutely wrong, and to see that Near's idea of a vacation actually would work out. But unfortunately, he _was_ right. The trip wasn't going to be fun, and his first tip-off were the clouds that formed almost as soon as they set on the high seas. Dark, ominous, heavy clouds that choked the blue sky and blew the sunlight right out of existence. And while Giovanni wasn't exactly an expert on meteorology, he knew when the sky looked promising or not. And it didn't look promising. He groaned again, letting his chin rest on one palm. Right then, he could've been doing things like watching football or vacuuming his rugs. Important things that meant a lot to a guy that barely got a day off. And instead, he was on a boat with a bunch of people that he now decided he didn't like.

"Whoever thinks this vacation sucks, raise their hands," he grumbled irritably, and was all the more cross to see that he was the only one who was raising his hand. Lidner just chuckled again, something that Giovanni found she liked to do _whenever_ he was annoyed. He wanted to just punch her at that point.

"Come on, Giovanni. You're not even giving this a chance," she reminded him calmly, as she took a sip of water. Immediately, she spat it back out, turned to Matt, and said, "This tastes like salt! Where the hell did you get this from, Red!?" Matt bit his lip, not quite sure if he should answer her. After all, she did still have her gun; Near hadn't said a damn about going in unarmed.

"Well, you wanted water, and we're in water," Matt reasoned, and Mello just snorted, "So, I took your cup and scooped some water out. It's better than paying for the water otherwise, right?" Mello just laughed at that point. Leave it to Matt to screw up anything as simple as _getting a cup of water_. The only thing was, Matt didn't even remotely seem concerned about the consequence of using his logic. At least, not until Lidner stood up and glared at him. If he weren't Mello's best friend, she'd have pushed him into the sea and left him there.

"_YOU IDIOT!_" she screamed, "You fed me _seawater!_ Do you have any idea how contaminated it could be!? I could've been drinking shark shit and I wouldn't even know it! What the hell's wrong with you!? Haven't you even _tasted_ seawater before!?" Matt just blinked slowly. A normal person would've been cowering at the thought of Halle Lidner screaming at them for, what was in his mind, an innocent mistake. But Mail Jeevas wasn't normal, and he still didn't see her problem. He frowned.

"So you don't like my water?" he asked, and this time, Lidner lost it. She threw the cup right at him, and he ran away just in time before it smashed into the wall and shattered apart.

"_GET OUT OF MY FACE, YOU UGLY, LITTLE BRAT!_" she howled, and Matt was only too happy to oblige. Giovanni just watched the whole thing silently, and when Lidner turned away from where Matt had been, panting from the effort with which she yelled, all he could do was snicker. Lidner rarely lost her temper.

"What about giving this vacation a chance?" he retorted mockingly. Lidner's eyes narrowed angrily as she flipped him off. Then she stormed into another room and slammed the door. So much for bantering with his own partner; now Giovanni had a feeling he'd be particularly bored. Except that Mello was there. And Mello _never_ let anyone forget if he happened to be within their general vicinity, either. To him, it was a privilege to even be graced with his presence. What was sad was that he was the only one who felt that way. When he saw that Giovanni was alone, he grinned.

"So, how do you like sailing on the sea?" Mello asked him, and Giovanni glanced back at him warily, "You know, being on a tiny, little, _unstable_ boat that could capsize, being thousands of miles from anything, and having to sail with people who, quite frankly, I'm surprised lived for this long?" Giovanni's eye twitched. He didn't want Mello anywhere _near_ him at that point. The grin the younger man wore could easily be saying 'and I'm waiting to push you off, too.' Giovanni didn't want to die. He tried to think of a witty retort, something that would shut Mello up for hours and keep him away. But there was nothing to be said. Technically, Mello put the whole trip into a perspective Giovanni was just too willing to embrace.

"Mello, why don't you go away and leave me alone?" Giovanni suggested, and sighed as he flopped his head onto the table, "I'm already miserable. Don't make it worse. _Please_." Mello's grin faded. Those SPK members were harder to terrorize than he thought. Deciding that maybe he ought to be a little sensitive to Giovanni's plight, Mello pulled up a chair and sat down. Giovanni just sighed. Youth today just never listened when an older person just wanted to be _left alone_.

"Brighten up, Killjoy McMiserable," the blonde said, and smiled, "This is supposed to be fun. Besides, once we get to another city, Matt and I are going to act like pirates and raid it! You could join us. I'm sure we can find you a wench to rape while we pillage her house!" Giovanni's eyes narrowed angrily. If that was Mello's idea of a joke, he wasn't very funny. He stared at the blonde as if Mello had suddenly grown six heads, eight arms, and forty-seven legs.

"If you're honestly confessing to a rape, I'm going to have you arrested and locked up for so many years, you'll never see daylight again," Giovanni growled. Mello blinked. He wasn't confessing to anything. He was just trying to lighten Giovanni's sour mood. The only truly bad thing he did was abduct Sayu. And he'd already paid for that. By blowing up the only place he might have called his house. Oh, and killing her dad for it later, but that wasn't really his fault, either. He shrugged.

"As much as Matt wouldn't mind that threat, I'd like to not be blamed for shit I never did," Mello replied casually, "Why're you so pissy, anyway? I thought you _wanted_ time off."

"I did, but not by spending it on a boat in the middle of nowhere," Giovanni grumbled. Mello snorted and gave a confident smirk. To him, this was a vacation he'd always wanted. He could throw Near off a boat at any given time, and no one would know about it until it was too late to find the body! If only Giovanni could see the beauty in that, too!

"Hey, being on the sea can be fun, you know," Mello commented, and took out a piece of candy, stuffing it in his mouth, "You can be a _pirate_!" Giovanni stared flatly as Mello smiled, swallowing his candy whole.

"What's so good about being a pirate?" Giovanni mumbled, and flopped onto the table again. Mello frowned. This just wasn't any fun, bantering with this loser.

"Well, you can steal from everyone, for starters," Mello said, looking around. His eyes fell on the alcohol cabinet. And he grinned; leave it to Sith to make sure the boat had alcohol on it. With a sudden gleam in his eye, he said, "And you can drink, too. You like to drink, right?" Giovanni gave a moan of dismay. Mello took that as a 'yes' and continued, "There _is_ alcohol in there, right?"

"I think Lidner put some wine in there," Giovanni replied with disinterest, "But what the hell does that have to do with anything?" He didn't notice how sinister Mello looked right then. And maybe that was a good thing. For Mello was quickly coming up with a very, very bad idea. And when he did, he dragged everyone he knew into it, too. And there were five other victims just _waiting_ for his awesome idea to shine. His eyes narrowed almost seductively.

"Well, if you're angry, and there's alcohol, why not make this trip better and have a glass?" Mello reasoned. There was something to his tone that Giovanni just didn't like. It spelled disaster, and right then, Giovanni wasn't in the mood to clean up whatever mess Mello might make. But a glass of wine did sound good to him... no! No, he knew better! He shook his head.

"I don't need to get drunk at two in the afternoon," the older man stated. But he knew that wasn't enough to make Mello leave. Mello never took 'no' for an answer; he doubted even a bullet in the head would make the psychopath leave. Mello just frowned. This was way harder than it should've been, and he really wanted to torment someone. Why couldn't Giovanni just oblige and use his idea!?

Mello was ready to get up and leave, but as he turned, he saw Rester walking through a corridor. And his grin instantly returned. Giovanni wasn't easily swayed with words alone, but perhaps another buddy might convince him to drink a little bit. And that was all Mello needed. Without warning, Mello sprung from his chair to the door, and threw it open. He nearly gave Rester a heart attack in the process, not that he particularly cared or anything. And before the poor commander could even run away, Mello grabbed his wrists and pulled him into the dining hall, placing him in a seat right across from Giovanni. Unsurprisingly, Rester didn't appreciate the maneuver. He turned sharply to Mello.

"What the hell are you doing!?" he demanded hotly, brows creasing, "You'd better not be trying to kill us again."

"Relax, amigo. I'm past that," Mello replied calmly, sitting at the head of the table and leaning back, "I just wanted to enjoy a drink or two with my new pals, that's all." He propped his boots on the surface of the table, looking to be the exact image of comfort. Giovanni and Rester exchanged unconvinced glances.

"I don't buy this," Rester said suspiciously, as Giovanni turned to Mello and asked, "How do we know you're not just planning to throw us off the boat!? You know, get us all nice and drunk and then off us when we don't expect it!" Mello's look went flat. Giovanni obviously watched way too much Law and Order to be suspicious of a _tiny glass of wine_. He took a deep breath, trying not to wince at the smell of mildew in the room.

"And why would I bother doing that?" the blonde asked simply, perking a slender brow. Giovanni's eye twitched. Mello was _enjoying_ this. He stood up and pointed threateningly at Mello. If he had a gun, he'd have aimed it right for the man's head.

"Because that's what you do, damn it!" Giovanni yelled furiously, "I know what you're up to, Mello. We're not stupid!" But that didn't rattle Mello up in the least. Nothing really did. Mello just looked up at him as calmly as if he were a retarded child asking for a cookie for the seven-thousandth time. Then he stood up and walked over to the cabinet, taking out a bottle of Blue Nun. It was an innocent enough bottle, and Mello returned to the table, pouring himself a glass. Then he took a sip of it and smiled. It warmed his throat.

"There. I've drunk the wine and nothing's wrong," he said earnestly, "Now why don't you two have a glass? Just one?" Rester and Giovanni looked at each other. If Mello wanted to kill them, this was the way to do it. But he seemed so hurt by the accusation. It was almost convincing. _Almost_.

"One glass couldn't hurt," Rester finally caved, and Giovanni's mouth dropped. That was it!? That was all it took for Rester to put his life on the line? Mello _acting hurt!?_ Giovanni wasn't going to buy it. But before he could argue with his superior, Rester had already taken the glass Mello poured and drank some of it. And as the underling, Giovanni certainly didn't want to make an ass of himself for no reason. Taking a glass and shoving it at Mello, Giovanni silently demanded a drink of his own. And Mello, scheming, conniving, clever little _Mello_ was more than happy to oblige.

"I'm going to prove how retarded this entire ordeal is," Giovanni swore, taking a healthy swig, "Mark my words, Mello. Whatever the hell you're planning, it won't work." Mello just grinned; his plan was already working perfectly.

Three bottles of wine, ten wine glasses, and two hours later, Mello watched as his beautiful plan unfolded right before his pale blue eyes. Giovanni, as he knew, hadn't proved to anyone that he was going to destroy them all, and now the result of the man's final words was that he and Rester were proficiently drunk. Not drunk enough to want to kill off - not even Mello could've done that without them screaming - but definitely enough to provide amusement for a few hours. And that was about as much as actually killing them, Mello thought. So, he simply let them do what they wanted. All he really had to do was supply the drinks needed. That was a job even idiots could manage.

When they finally couldn't drink anymore, Mello decided it was the perfect time to let Matt in on his plans. And he found, as they went to the deck, that that was probably the worst idea he could've done. In the five seconds that he had left to find his most beloved partner, he came to see that Rester and Giovanni were working on what looked like pirate costumes. At the very least, Rester was starting to look the part. His shirt was practically stained with alcohol; he must've spilled his wine when the boat rocked to and fro. And he was wearing a dirty, old coat that Mello didn't remember him bringing on board. And unless Sith forgot to clean out the boat, which was more than likely, there shouldn't have been anything in the closet for them to wear. Mello's eye twitched. This was a snag he didn't think to look at.

"What the hell are you two doing?" he demanded, eyes widening as he saw Rester's outfit. Giovanni looked over at him, his eyes a bit red from the wine. He obviously didn't drink a lot to get so drunk so quickly.

"Reshter and I... HAD a WONDERFUL idea!" the young SPK member said with a hiccup, "I got thish idea from shome guy I wash speaking to earlier. But, bashically, Reshter and I are going to be PIRATES! Ishn't that exshiting!?" He giggled a bit and went back to helping Rester with his coat. In all honesty, though, the coat looked disgusting enough. Whatever Giovanni was doing, be it helping to clean it or make it dirty, it wasn't working. Mello just stared, and then he blinked dully.

"Yeah, you got that idea from _ME!_" the blonde yelled angrily, and grabbed Giovanni's arm, "Okay, that's it, you two are going in and vomiting what you've drunk." He was so angry, that he didn't even notice that Rester was there, or that he had a gun. And that gun was aimed at Mello's throat. Mello yelped, never expecting that _he'd_ be on the receiving end of one of his most beloved types of weaponry. Then he looked up. Rester, if it was possible, looked even worse for the wear. His entire face looked red.

"Aye, yer not gonna... hic... take us to Davey Jones' locker yet... hic, _boy_," the commander said, and Mello smelled the heavy scent of rum on his breath. Which was funny, because he didn't remember serving them rum. Mello twitched. This wasn't what he wanted to happen.

"Okay, morons, I don't know if you understand this, but we're not pirates," the blonde stated blandly, and gestured toward the cabin, "We're a bunch of miserable people on a ship with some kid who doesn't know when he's been duped." At that point, unfortunately, both Giovanni and Rester were drunk enough to disregard any logic Mello might provide. Rester shoved the gun a bit closer.

"It's talk like that that'll make you walk the plank, ye scurvy seadog," Rester replied darkly, and turned to Giovanni, "Come on, laddy. Tie him up and throw him in the brig." Mello completely lost it. He was fine with drunken sailors, or whatever the hell they wanted to be, but no one... _NO ONE_ took Mihael Keehl prisoner and lived to tell the tale. And if they did try, he sure was going to give them one hell of a fight.

Except that he didn't. He _tried_, but for once, Mihael Keehl failed to put up any kind of resistance against two very drunk men. Considering his past employment history, Mello thought it was cruelly ironic that he didn't even so much as punch one of their teeth out, but fuck irony right then. As soon as those sons of bitches got their drunk hands on him, they decided it was the best idea to throw both himself and Matt into what Rester kept mumbling as 'the brig.' Which, in Mello's mind, translated into a cabin on the bottom of the ship. A cabin that seemed to lack any light or a door of any kind. Fuck it, they were going to die. And for once, even he had to admit it was entirely his fault, too.

"At least it's nice to know _you_ don't blame me for it, Matt," he said absently, circling the ground with his finger. Matt, who miraculously still managed to play on his DS, looked up toward the direction of Mello's voice. Just when the hell did he say _that!?_

"Actually, dude, I totally blame you for this," came the red-head's reply, and he went back to his screen, "You're the one who wanted to dupe Near, you hired Sith to do it, and you're the one who got Rester and Giovanni drunk. You might as well be wearing a sign that says 'Oops, I did it again." Mello grumbled, hoping Matt knew how lucky he was that he couldn't see. He also hoped that Near gave up on this boating binge and actually anchored the ship, but the fact that the boat was rocking said he hadn't. As smart as Near was, he was just as much an idiot, too. Maybe this was why he wasn't afraid: he knew Mello would be incapacitated through the entire trip. If only Mello had shot him earlier!

"Okay, so this was a stupid idea. But come on," Mello urged, "We've done stupider shit than this. This is cakewalk!" Matt grunted. Again with this '_we_' stuff. To him, he was just an innocent man playing innocent games, hiding from a deranged SPK member and trying to smoke, and Mello ruined all of that with his _best plan ever_. Which turned out to get both he and Mello shut in some stinking hellhole of a cabin. _He_ never agreed to any of that, and he couldn't see why Mello kept saying he did. Funny, how that always seemed to happen whenever _Mello_ was in trouble. But he shrugged. Mello was his best buddy, so he'd humor the poor guy a bit.

"Then how are _we_ getting out?" Matt retorted, as he heard Mello shift around a bit, "Case in point: I don't see a damn door." That was a pretty hard obstacle to get past, but Mello obviously had confidence in himself. Doors weren't meant to stop men. Bullets were, and he had enough of those to stop several men. If he had to, he'd blow himself up again. He'd probably survive. _Maybe_.

"Matt, Matt, Matt... all you have to do is look up," Mello stated, and pointed toward the ceiling. Matt obliged. And he saw that the ceiling was actually a grate. They were literally thrown into a pit!

"Ohhhh. That makes a little more sense," Matt said with a nod, "And here I thought we went through a wall. But I still don't see how we're getting out. Are we going to stand on each other's shoulders or something?" Actually, that wasn't too bad of an idea, now that Mello thought about it. They were about the right height, give or take a few inches. And so, without even bothering to ask Matt, he climbed up Matt's back and stood squarely on the red-head's shoulders, eliciting an annoyed grunt from Matt himself.

"Stop moving, Matt! I can't reach the grate!" Mello hissed, when Matt shifted the tiniest bit. Matt grumbled, but remained absolutely still. And Mello caught the grate. Then he pulled as hard as he could, but the damn thing wouldn't give. Sighing, he took something out of his pocket and did the only thing he knew would work: he set off an explosive right in the tiny cabin. While he and Matt were still in it, too. The good news was, it ripped the grate clear off its hinges. The bad news was, it ripped everything else apart, too. But surprisingly, Matt and Mello both survived with their organs, flesh, and clothes still in tact. As the smoke cleared, Matt looked at Mello blankly.

"You know, all you had to do was _push_ the grate open," Matt said flatly, "They didn't lock it." Mello twitched. That really would've been nice to know _earlier_, before he wasted an entire bomb on this shipwreck. But it was only typical for Matt to withhold such _valuable_ information like that. Hell, he probably thought it was funny, too.

"Just shut up and let's move," Mello growled. And so, they climbed out of the cabin and found themselves in the basement of the ship, where all of the would-be cargo should've been kept. Except that there was nothing in there, save for a lone cannon. Mello just shrugged. It'd make escaping a little easier; they could see a little bit of light coming from the trapdoor. Running to it, Mello pushed to check if it was locked. It wasn't. He kicked it open and ran up like a one-man swat team, and came face to face with something he never thought he'd ever see. Giovanni and Rester decided to take their pirating one step further. They actually tied Lidner and Near to the mast. And that was just funny.

"And just what the hell is this?" Mello demanded, trying to hold in a snicker. Near seemed too focused on trying to reach his toy robot to notice, but Lidner had no distraction. She glared at Mello as if this was entirely his fault. Which, of course, it was.

"_Someone_ decided to let my partners drink, and they decided to be _pirates_ for a while," she mocked, and looked away, "Now why does this have your name on it, _Mello_!?" Mello's mouth dropped. Was _everyone_ going to blame him for their problems now!? If so, then he always had another bomb to make them see the error in that sort of thought.

"You act like I always pull shit like this," he said unhappily, stuffing his hands in his pockets. He looked over toward Matt for support. And he didn't get it. Matt, who had been tied up alongside the blonde, was just as pissed as Lidner was.

"Dude, you _do_ always pull shit like this," Matt retorted, and looked at Near, "Where are they now?"

"They have said something to the effect of finding land," Near replied calmly, as if being tied up didn't bother him, "It's logical to assume they will be pillaging a village. I'm just sad that our vacation is ending prematurely." No one else shared Near's rather illogical thoughts on the matter. Mello and Matt exchanged concerned glances, and Lidner stared at her boss with wide eyes. They were currently tied to a pole, and he was _sad_ about it!? He should have been _pissed off_.

"You're sad that our vacation ended!?" Lidner repeated, practically yelling, "You should be angry that your _employees_ _TIED US UP!_ What the hell is wrong with you!?" Near, unfortunately, stared right back at her as if _she_ were the crazy person. He hated to be yelled at even more than he hated being wrong.

"I suggest you change your tone or I'll fire you," he threatened, and for once during this entire trip, Mello thought that was a pretty valid point. But Lidner wasn't paying attention, because suddenly, a very loud horn sounded somewhere in the distance. And that distance wasn't far away, either. Everyone looked at each other, wondering just what could actually make this trip any worse than it already was. And when they saw a huge, dark shadow some two minutes later, they got that answer. It was, simply put, a ship. A very big ship, equipped with a cannon in every window, and at least two catapults on the deck. The only promising thing that made them feel the slightest bit of relief was that Matsuda Tota was piloting the ship. Unfortunately, everyone else from the NPA was on the deck, too.

"What the hell!?" Mello demanded, eye twitching at the sight as Matt said, "I think they're going to board us." Mello ripped his eyes from the cannons, to the back of the deck. Indeed, Mogi and Aizawa were working fast and hard on putting a wooden plank between their ship and Near's. And that was wonderful. If Mello wasn't so speechless at the scene, he'd have screamed 'fuck.'

It took maybe five minutes for the entire NPA to get onto Near's ship, and when they came across Near and Lidner, still tied to the pole, they wished they hadn't come. Aizawa and Mogi in particular just stared at the two, wondering how on earth they managed to get abducted so handily; when they had come to the SPK tower, Lidner seemed confident in herself, and Near was intelligence personified. Then they saw Mello, and everything seemed to make sense. Whatever sick game he was playing, they had grounds to finally bag him.

"What the hell is going on?" Aizawa asked, pulling a gun as Light Yagami strolled onto the deck, watching the entire thing with amusement. Mello, who wasn't even _armed_, let alone a threat, just snorted and backed up. What had once been his master plan at destroying Near was turning into a... well, a shipwreck.

"I should ask you that!" the blonde retorted, as Matt asked, "Aren't you guys from NPA? Why're you here?"

"More importantly, why are you people dressed as pirates, too!?" Lidner demanded, still struggling to try and break her bonds. For a moment, everyone just stopped. Considering the day, and that no one in the NPA was drunk or otherwise under the influence, that was indeed a pretty interesting question. Aizawa, Mogi, Ide, and Matsuda all glanced at each other. Light had _explained_ why they were dressing as pirates, but for some reason, it still hadn't made too much sense to them. Something about Near going sea-faring, but somehow, the hunt for Kira was thrown in, too. Knowing only he was smooth enough to explain this rather ridiculous observation, Light stepped forward, smiling at Lidner.

"Well, we heard you found leads that prove Kira is moving across the sea to get to some remote part of the world to escape justice," Light explained coolly, which made about as much sense to Mello as it had to everyone else, "We were hoping to intercept him." Mello wasn't convinced. He couldn't tell what was stupider: Light's explanation, or his outfit, which consisted of a bright red coat, a white ruffled shirt, and knee-high boots under a pair of pantaloons. If he was trying to go unnoticed, he failed.

"And the pirate get-up?" Mello asked with a raised brow. Light's skin paled a little bit, and he turned toward Matsuda, who was similarly dressed.

"Well, if you're going sea-faring, you have to sell it!" Matsuda cried, thinking that was the best reason to fully dress in a pirate costume. The stiff nod from Light showed that he backed Matsuda up. Mello nearly laughed, except that it wasn't funny anymore. This was supposed to be _his_ greatest idea ever! And these bunches of jackasses were ruining it! His brows furrowed angrily.

"Guess what? You assholes wasted your time. We didn't get any fucking leads on Kira, we're out here on vacation," the blonde informed Light furiously, "Now jump ship or die." Such a threat only made Light laugh, though. Even if _he_ looked ridiculous, it was _him_ who'd laugh last once Mello's name was written. All he had to do was get Misa out there...

That never happened. And it probably never would. Mello wasn't sure how or even why, but as soon as he so much as threatened Light, a giant blast from a cannon exploded on the deck, forcing him to jump back before the other half of his face was burned off. It blew right through the top of the deck and bore through the interior. Mello wouldn't have been surprised if it sunk a hole, but for right now, he had more problems to worry about. The main one was, that blast _hadn't_ come from the NPA ship. And when Matt turned to check it out, his goggles fell right into the ocean in terror. There sat a _third_ ship, and this time, Mikami Teru was on its deck. Kiyomi Takada was with him, and like Light, he was dressed like a pirate. Matt wondered who had actually gotten drunk on this trip.

"Uh... Mel, I think we're in trouble," Matt said calmly, not even terrified that two Kira suspects just blew a hole through their ship, "Isn't that dude X-Kira?" Mello twitched. Of all the days, of all the _weeks_, the one time he actually had Near in the middle of nowhere, practically all of their suspects would show up to murder them all. The only thing worse would be if Giovanni and Rester came back out.

And that happened about thirty seconds later. As soon as Matt said 'X-Kira,' Rester let out a blood-curdling roar and broke the cabin's door in half as he and Giovanni barreled their way out onto the battlefield. The good thing was, the only thing Rester had on him was a dinner knife. Unfortunately, at that point, so many 'enemies' had shown up that he had no idea who to go after first. So he went straight for Matsuda. The poor officer went into the water in one blow. And in about ten seconds, Ide unhappily joined him. Mello watched it all in complete and utter disbelief.

"Okay, what the hell is going on here!?" he yelled at no one in particular. He didn't care if he even got an answer. Craziness was craziness, and this was going straight to the pits of hell. If he so much as got a bullet as an answer, then so be it. Maybe then this would make more sense.

"Argh, I be tellin' you what be going on here... hic... if you be willin' to listen!" Rester yelled back. Mello just glared at him flatly.

"I don't want any answers from you, Captain McStupid," the blonde replied, and turned to Light, "Okay, since you showed up first, you go first. Why the hell are you really following us?" Knowing that Light was probably going to just lie, Mello quickly added, "And if you lie, I push you off." Again, such a pitiful threat just made Light laugh. Until, of course, Mikami decided to act. He took up a musket, a genuine, good-working musket, and aimed.

"I won't let you threaten my god!" Mikami yelled, but at the glare from Light, rephrased, "I mean, my... god-brother! I won't let you..."

"_ENOUGH!_" Mello screamed, "I don't need ten million stories! You know what? I give up. I don't care if Kira wins, I don't care if Near dies, I just don't care! Someone, just shoot me! I'll _marry_ you if you end my life!" At this, everyone just kind of stared at him.

"But wouldn't that make me a necrophiliac?" Matt asked him, and Mello lost it. He shoved Matt right into the water to join Matsuda and Ide. Then he turned to face Light. And found that the son of a submariner was _laughing at him_!

"What's so damn funny!?" Mello demanded furiously, ready to push just about everyone into the water. Light snorted, not quite sure he could find the words he needed.

"Oh, nothing. I enjoy watching an idiot like you make an ass of yourself in public," Light replied, and smirked, "Why does this remind me of L?" Mello's fury tripled, and in one blood-curdling scream, found himself shoving Light off the deck, too. He also found a dinner knife shoved near his throat, and looked up to see that Rester, who was technically _against_ Kira, was the one threatening him. His eye twitched again.

"What do you think you're doing!?" he demanded.

"ARGH! If yer gonna attack... hic... a fellow pirate, then yer gonna walk the plank!" Rester told him, and turned to Mikami, "Fire!" Mikami just stared, mouth agape. His own enemy just gave the command to fire, and normally, he'd have questioned such an insane tactic, even considered it to be a ruse. But screw logic. Light... Kira... _his GOD_ was just pushed into the ocean! In his mind, _everyone_ deserved justice for that one. He nodded and just fired, blowing another hole in Near's ship. This time, the boat was actually sinking now. Aizawa and Mogi, the only two NPA members still on the ship, screamed the only logical thing Mello heard all day.

"_ABANDON SHIP!_" they both screamed, as Mikami blew off the mast next. But rather than run to their nice, cozy, not-currently-sinking boat, both NPA members jumped right into the ocean, feeling that water was fire's worst foe. Mello slapped his forehead. Now he _totally_ understood how Kira came this far: the NPA consisted of five idiots. Five idiot _pirates_. He looked over toward Matt, only to find the hacker was nowhere to be seen. And that the trap door leading into the cargo was open. That wasn't good.

"Matt!?" Mello called, and the only response he got was another cannon going off. Unfortunately, because Matt hadn't dragged it _outside_ before firing it, he managed to blow up half of the deck. He also managed to send everyone, friend, foe, and parts of the ship alike, flying off everywhere. One part of the boat managed to smash Mikami right in his head, sending him overboard his own ship. It also fired one final shot, aimed, miraculously, for the NPA boat.

After that, Mello wasn't quite sure what happened. The NPA ship went up in a brilliant flame, scorching anyone's chance of escaping in a boat that didn't promise to sink or otherwise incapacitate them. Everyone, save for Matt himself, landed safely in the water, though to Lidner's dismay, she was still tied up alongside Near. Matt was floating on the cannon, trying unsuccessfully to get Mello up and out of the water. Rester and Giovanni, still drunk enough to think they were pirates, were sober enough to find two crates to sit on. And everyone else? Well, screw them. They were nowhere to be seen, and in Mello's mind, that was just as well. If he was lucky, Mikami managed to kill them with his cannon. Or maybe Matt did. It didn't matter. The fact was, they were stranded in the middle of the ocean, and now they didn't even have a boat to sail in.

"Well, this sucks," Mello said glumly, as Matt grabbed his vest and heaved him from the water, "Can we go home now?" Lidner, who managed to get herself and Near onto a floating plank, glared at him.

"With what boat, _Mello?_" she asked pointedly, "Or don't you remember that your _best friend for life_ destroyed ours?" Matt's brows creased, but rather than yell at her, he took out his DS and turned it on. Except that it had short-circuited in the water. Sighing, he threw it in the ocean.

"Yeah, Mel. I hate to say it, but I think we're screwed," the red-head unhelpfully added, not noticing that _he_ had been blamed for the incident. For a while, no one said anything. There was nothing _to_ say. For all intense and purpose, this was technically everyone's faults. It was mostly Mello's, but they all went along with it. Rester just sighed, and Mello looked over at him.

"Know what we do at a time like this?" the commander asked, and at Mello's raised brow, he said, "We sing dirges to lift our spirits." Mello's eyes widened and he twitched for what felt like the billionth time that day.

"Absolutely not!!" he declared, but it was too late. Giovanni was already singing by the time the blonde even opened his mouth.

"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!" Giovanni began, and Mello groaned in misery. He knew this was all his fault, but damn it, why wasn't Kira around for him to blame!?

"I said NO!" Mello screamed, hoping that the sheer decibel level of his voice would stop Giovanni. It didn't. And that was because Rester joined him.

"We're beggars and blighters, ne'er-do-well cads, drink up, me 'earties, yo ho!" the two sang, as the sun slowly set, "Aye, but we're loved by our mommies and dads, drink up, me 'earties, yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!" Mello just sighed and flopped onto his stomach. Considering how far they were from land, and how both Rester and Giovanni were dressed, perhaps a pirate's life was the life for them now. At any rate, their vacation was officially over. And Mello knew, underneath it all, that it was still all his fault. Just because he wanted to con Near. As he listened to the two drunken SPK members continue to sing, he knew that was something he'd never, ever do again. This time, indirectly, Near beat him. And he was willing to accept that. But only this once.

----------------------------(End Story)

And so, it looks like Near's vacation was ruined, after all. Amazingly, he doesn't even seem that mad about it. When I started this, originally I was going to have Matt and Mello join Rester and Giovanni, but I thought it'd be funnier if they were thrown into a cell, and if Light attacked them at sea. And what do you know, somehow, everyone ended up nearly safe and sound! I hope you enjoyed reading this, and again, I know it's a really long one-shot. There were a lot of ways I wanted to write this, and I kind of tried writing everything at once. I didn't want to turn it into a multi-chapter story, and I guess I probably should have. Oops. Anyway, thanks for reading, and click that Review button!


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